(fame and) Identity (cont'd)

some people don't care about Identity at all
they do have Identity ie. a name, a nationality, the outlook
but they don't really have Personalities ie. special or strong likes/ hates/ feelings/ opinions about certain things/ people

some people care too much about Identity
dress too much
make up too much
show too much
that they forget about the inner values/ charms

i know this girl who doesn't want to talk/ mention about her secondary school just because it is not a well-known one, which is also my primary school - Doan Ket primary school - a local one :)

we both went to a well known top high school in Hanoi, Vietnam ~ Hanoi Amsterdam ~ and yes we are all proud of it

why does she have to reject her secondary school though?
she is still friends with some from Doan Ket isn't she
does she react like that about the school when talking with them?
how would they feel about it?
she spent four years there
had friends there

why does she have to reject it?

ridiculous relationship between people and fame
sometimes fame is built up purely from popularity
and not all the time popularity equals quality

honestly personally i learned the most, not from Ams, but from my secondary school, Ngo Si Lien :) oh well yes, another top one, but it was Actually Good in term of Educating students with Knowledge and Skills, not just the fame (for students who got into specialized classes only actually...)

for Ams, it was just All about the study abroad spirit that i guess Every single student gets and has since the first day we get in
for me it was in 2003, grade 10, newly got in Ams when chi Nhung got out of Ams to go to Harvard - we knew about it from Hoa Hoc Tro's article

before i got into Ams, anh Chau was in the finale of 'Duong len dinh Olympia' (The way to the top of Olympia) and i was inspired when reading in Hoa Hoc Tro that he knows a lot about Astronomy and thought i would have the chance to study that with huge telescopes when being in Ams

my bubble broke
turned out he learned all on his own
that's the Ams's thing
you learn nothing from classes
but have the freedom to do whatever you want

three years in Ams i had lots of...ambitious friends
most of them are now studying abroad
i finally made my 'dream' too now

three years in Ams
half of it i had fun
the other half of it i had tears
lots of them...
closest friends flew away (Ly, Zeo)
parents broke up, again. And still stay together to fight with each other, everyday, as always
broke up with so-called first puppy love
i never thought i would let myself be that miserable because of a guy, back then, a boy
but i guess, more or less, i was
until recently
i used to always think i can be strong all the time
but i am not

three years after Ams
i lost myself in the studying abroad dream
i let myself completely Lost in there
internships
activities
jobs
obsessions
applications
depressions

i lost three years of actually Living a life

if it were not for the Ams's studying abroad popular wave
i could have
learned more
travelled within Vietnam more
discovered Hanoi more
lived more

as how i did
in the last year
before it was too late

before i made the 'dream'
without living too much for 'it'
with more balancing my life

so thanks Ams
but also shame on me
for letting myself completely 'go with the flow'
of your popularity ~ studying abroad
that made me, more or less, lose three years
or more
five years
of my life
having lived too much for that dream
but not for my Real life
when i were in
in Hanoi, Vietnam

it's also because
i thought that were the only way
for me
to run away from
the house, i mean, the hell
my parents build up together
that we were all stuck in
or we all let ourselves stuck in
which they still do...
now...

but it's not the only way
and it doesn't have to be the best way
i thought of being an au pair/ nanny...abroad
why does it always have to be abroad baby?
because i wanted to travel the world
i still do, but in a slightly different way...
i still want to see different parts, places, people on earth
with my own eyes and ears
to see, feel, touch, taste, listen, smell
them all

but the more i live
the more i see and feel
they are, more or less, the same
we are, more or less, the same...

i still want to travel
but it's much more about and to
meet my old friends again
meet new friends
be with favourite friends
on, during, after each trip/ journey :)

i could have worked and lived
in Hoi An
or Sai Gon
or other less popular places in Vietnam
that i should have known more of and been to
and i will
sooner or later
in the near future :)

i really would have done so
if its not for the 'dream' i finally made it
without living too much for it in the last year
so i'm here

but not for the fame
i don't fancy London enough
maybe yet
until i find more charms here
not popular tourist places and stuff...

i could have been in Canterbury for Kent instead
and doing Anthropology as i wished and got it
if it doesn't have to be about the scholarship...
and i really enjoyed the peace and beauty in Cambridge :)

but what do i know
finally i'm doing Contemporary Media
which is Not the popular tv production media as it might sound
it's a combination of photography, film, video and digital media things i've more or less been doing and enjoy doing
from my heart
in the last few years

i hope i can combine
anthropology Qualitative research method
and
Contemporary media
to make worthy media productions
that people can actually learn some thing from it

at the same time a creative work can just be about expressing
oneself
to be then reflected through, might be small, might be large a number of people
the point of expressing
is to share
to speak out
we are never actually alone in anything
we just feel like we are
because we haven't seen or heard the same things

and if creative products work better than long text books or speeches
to share
thoughts
feelings
knowledge
then that Is the reason why
i am happy
learning and trying to do the same thing
as what i would have done in Anthropology
just in a different way of expression now
with Contemporary Media Practice

there is a combination actually
Visual Anthropology
and that's what i've been trying to do
by filming documentaries

--
my name on fb/ email is 'sam Hang Tran'
'sam' is my english name
that's why it is not in capital because it is not my birthname
and i also prefer 'sam' to not stand tall in capital but be really humble and simple
just as how i want myself to be

i'm not quite in love with my vietnamese name
because it's not special
my parents don't have a special or just interesting story for it
just because it starts with 'H' as how my dad's name 'Hai' starts
and he thinks girls with name 'Hang' are bold, which is a sweet thought
and it turns out he has been making me to Have To be strong, mentally speaking...
with his mental and physical violence towards my mom and i...
'Hang' is also an India's river
and his name 'Hai' means 'the sea'...
actually, it starts to seem quite sweet why he wanted to name me Hang now
...

and i saw myself in Samantha from 'Now and Then' (1995)
when i was 14
Sam's a 12 year old girl in the movie
about a four girl friendship back in the 70s
sam and i share the same thoughts and feelings
sitting on the roof thinking writing
wholeheartedly passionate about friendship
divorced parents...

--
easily distracted but once concentrate
when i'm really into doing something
i don't eat/ drink/ pee etc. at all
All is forgotten and held back

also difficult to really fall for someone
but once i am with one
the world is 'two in a million'

i'm not sure if this is good
it is said the truth lies in between
and i hate lies
but i've always been to the extremes
in the late years...